Restaurant

Sweden

(I’m a food critic. Due to getting lost, I end up at a small family owned inn. I decide to drop by there for the night.)

Me: Excuse me!

(A girl, about 18 years old, walks up to me. Note that I’m in my early 20s, despite my job which I applied for as a joke, but was hired instantly as I was strict but fair and honest about what I thought about the food.)

Girl: Um… Hello? Are you um… Lost?

Me: Yeah, in fact I am. I noticed it being an inn, so… Or… Am I wrong? If so, I apologize.

Girl: No, it’s not that! It’s just… We rarely have guests and we’re expecting a food critic… So we’re all kind of… You know, on edge…

Me: Ah, I apologize. Well, do you have a room free? And some food, perhaps? Don’t worry, I’m paying for it all in advance if needed!

Girl: Um, wait…

(She proceeds to get her father).

Man: Hey there! Looking for a room, are you?!

Me: Yes. Is that a problem?

Man: Only if you don’t pay up.

Me: I have every intention of paying, don’t worry.

Man: Well then!

(He gives me the key to a room. I head there being led by the girl.)

Me: So uh… A food critic, huh? Know anything about him?

Girl: No… Sorry.

Me: I see. It’s fine.

(She shows me the room and I open the door. I drop down on the bed for a short bit as the girl keeps looking at me.)

Girl: Um… You wanted food, right?

Me: Huh? Oh yeah! That’d be great! Thanks!

(We head down again and I proceed to order. Note that I don’t drink alcohol.)

Girl: Do you want a beer or something to drink?

Me: Cola is fine.

Girl: I see.

(She leaves and comes back after about ten minutes with the food. It’s a large t-bone steak, potatoes, vegetables and some sauce which surprises me.)

Me: Holy…

Girl: Oh um… Is something wrong?

Me: Huh? Nah! I just haven’t eaten a t-bone steak before! Well, let’s dig in!

(I quickly eat a small bite and realizes this is easily one of the tastiest things I’ve ever eaten. The girl keeps standing and watching me as I eat.)

Me: Something wrong?

Girl: …Sorry, I’m just unused to guests… That is…

Me: So? Have a seat! Grab a drink for yourself! Don’t worry, I’ll pay for it if needed!

(She nods and grabs a Cola of her own and sits down. We begin talking about various things but I’m vague on purpose about what I work with. Once I’ve finished eating, I head back to my room. Roughly ten minutes later, I hear yelling from downstairs. Surprised, I head down. Note that I’ve practiced martial arts for some time, so I’m confident in my self-defense techniques).

Customer: What kind of smelly shitty joint is this?!

Man: Look, I apologize that it’s hard to find here, but—-

Customer: Do you even know who the f**k I am?! I’m [my name]! I’m the best damn food critic on this side the equator!

(I try not to laugh as I walk downstairs and head up to them.)

Man: Oh, sorry if we disturbed you, mr… Come to think of it, what’s your name?

Me: I remembered not telling you guys my name, so I figured I might as well do that now.

(I look at the customer).

Me: The name’s [my name]. Food critic.

Customer: No, you’re not! I’m [my name]!

Me: Oh? That’s funny.

(I take out my calling card, which says my name, the newspaper I normally write reviews for and has a picture of me.)

Me: If you’re me, then my cards must be fake, right? Then, you must have some of your own that disproves me, right?

Customer: FUCK THIS PLACE!

(He hurried out.)

Me: Sorry about that. It slipped my mind due to exhaustion.

Girl: So wait, you’re [my name]?

Me: Yep. And… I’d be glad if you guys didn’t tell anyone I’ve been here. My boss tends to get on my neck if I do those things.

Man: …Just an honest question first.

Me: Yeah?

Man: What’s the take on the food? My wife was curious, as you’re the first customer we’ve had in a while, so…

Me: If I put it this way… I have a very large circle of people I know. I’m going to recommend that they get their asses here - every single one of them - even if it’s just for tasting your wives cooking. Frankly, it’s the best damn thing I’ve ever tasted.

(The wife, who stood in the kitchen opening and listened to us, walks up to me).

Woman: You don’t have to lie, you know…

Me: Lie? Listen, I’m a food critic. I do anything BUT lie when it comes to food. In fact, all this talking has made me hungry again. Can I have another serving? Oh and don’t worry - I’m paying for that, too!

Man: Nah, that one’s on the house!

(The next day, I call a bunch of friends and tell them to drop by. I don’t tell them how tasty the food is in order to make them have a neutral stand on what it’ll be like. They all say the same thing as I did; the food was awesome and they’d gladly come there again.

Two years later, I’m now married to the girl I met there. She’s still as shy as back when I first met her, but she’s as skilled in cooking as her mother is. As for the fake food critic, last I heard, he’s serving time for identity fraud!)

Video Game Store

Sweden

(My girlfriend is - as she puts it herself - chocolate colored -, flatchested and about a foot and a half shorter than me. Nonetheless, she enjoys playing games a lot and we often play together. Note that she’s originally from Curacao and as such has trouble with Swedish. I’m looking for a couple of games as she’s ringing up her own ones.)

Cashier #1: Oh, those for your boyfriend?

Girlfriend: No, for me.

Cashier #1: Yeah, right. Look, lady, it’s alright. No need to lie.

Girlfriend: …I’m not. I want those games.

Cashier #1: Whatever. Let’s get you [game] instead.

(Note that she has no interest in most games if I don’t recommend it; she mainly plays Harvest Moon and Fire Emblem).

Girlfriend: Look, I want [game]! Shut up and (in English) just ring it up already!

Cashier #1: Bah! You can’t even speak Swedish! You immigrant w***e! You better just go back to whatever f**king country you came from!

(At this point, I snap as I’ve had a long day at work and all I want to do is spend some time with my girlfriend and play some new games with her. I walk up to him and grab his neck and force him into a nearby wall. A vein is visibly showing up in my forehead and I look like I’m going to crush his throat.)

Me: Listen up here, you little piece of shit. My girlfriend wanted to buy [game] because she’s a fan of the series. Now, if you’re going to be a racist, sexist little bastard, I’m going to talk to your damned manager and I’m making sure you’ll never work in those stores ever again. Oh and before you charge me for assault, you might do well to realize everything - including what you’ve said - has been recorded. I was here yesterday. Guess what? You told no less than FIVE.DAMN.GIRLS.IN.A.ROW they couldn’t buy the games they wanted ‘as they weren’t gamer girls’. If I see you do this shit again, I won’t be held responsible. Clear?

(I drop him and walk out the store, my girlfriend in tow. She’s crying and we head to another game store, not too far away. There’s two cashiers in there and notice her crying. Cashier #2 is male, cashier #3 is female).

Cashier #3: Hey, what’s wrong with her?

(I explain it all to them while my girlfriend is sobbing and cashier #3 is trying to cheer her up).

Cashier #2: …Again? This is the third time this week people have told us about he’s being an a**!

Me: …I can imagine as much. Anyway… Do you guys have [game], [game] and [game] in stock?

Cashier #2: Yep! We got them in only a hours ago, in fact! Just finished packing them up!

(My girlfriend is still crying so I proceed to pay for all three games. As I’m about to finish, I notice a fourth game in the bunch - Fire Emblem Awakening).

Me: …Hey uh… I didn’t ask for this game.

Cashier #3: Oh, I added that one! I spoke to her and she mentioned liking the Fire Emblem series, so I grabbed that one for you!

Me: …How much for it?

Cashier #2: Dude, with all you’ve been through - and the fact YOU let US vent - and we’re the ones WORKING here - you have it, free of charge!

Me: Wait, huh? Won’t your manager——

Cashier #3: Oh, that? Nah! I’m the manager! So you take the game and cheer her up, you hear?

(At this point, I’m on the verge of crying so I hug them both as a thanks and head home with my girlfriend. The next day, I walk past the first store on my way to buy some things. I notice the rude guy from the day before isn’t there, so I ask the cashier what happened.) Cashier #4: Oh, [cashier #1] was fired yesterday after insulting some girl. Called her a w***e from what I hear!

Me: …Yeah. It’s my girlfriend he insulted. …Sorry that I snapped.

Cashier #4: Are you kidding? You did us a huge favor! We wanted his a** gone for months! Here, take this! Free of charge!

(He proceeds to hand me a €20 Steam wallet.

I’ve never met kinder people than those three. You guys rock!)

Grocery Store

San Antonio, TX, USA

(I’m 23, but look rather young for my age. As a result, I am frequently mistaken for a preteen. I go to get a food sample from a lady at a grocery store.)

Lady: Hi there! Is Mom with you?

Me: Ah, I’m actually twenty-three.

Lady: Wow, really? Oh god, I’m so sorry! You look really young!

Me: Don’t worry, I get it all the time!

(As she hands me my sample and I snack on it, we chat a bit.)

Lady: My sister’s the same way, you know. She’s twenty-four, but she looks like she’s thirteen, lucky her.

Me: Well, that’s one advantage to looking this young.

Lady: Unless we go get drinks. Then she gets carded and I don’t!

Restaurant

Sweden

(My coworker taking reservations. At this particular place, you can reserve in under any name you want. Note that I’m his manager and a major gamer.)

Coworker: Alright, what’d you to sign your name as?

Customer: Mordekaiser.

(The name literally translates to ‘Murder Emperor’ and is a character in the game of League of Legends.)

Coworker: …What?

Customer: …Okay. Vivi, then?

(Vivi is a black mage from the game Final Fantasy IX.)

Coworker: What…?

Customer: …Tidus?

(Tidus is the main character from Final Fantasy X).

Coworker: What are you even…?

(At this point, I interrupt.)

Me: For the love of… She’s named no less than THREE GAME CHARACTERS to reserve name under! The first is my main in League of Legends, Mordekaiser the Master of Metal. The second one was Vivi, THE most famous black mage in all of Final Fantasy and lastly, it was Tidus who was revolutionary as he’s the ONLY DAMN MAIN CHARACTER who is a GOD DAMN DREAM. LITERALLY.

(My coworker keeps looking dumbfounded at me. I feel a twitch coming on as said coworker says he’s a hardcore gamer.)

Me: Just what… What God damn games do you play?!

Coworker: Facebook games.

(I facepalm and then turn to the customer).

Me: Sorry about that. What can I name you under?

Customer: …Does Rinoa work?

(Rinoa is the main female character in Final Fantasy VIII. The customer looks very much like her, both her hair and clothes.)

Me: Rinoa it is! …Anyone ever tell you that you LOOK like her?

Customer: Oh FINALLY! Someone who realizes who I’m dressed as!

Me: Well - yeah. She’s literally one of the two people I DIDN’T want to strangle through all of Final Fantasy VIII.

Customer: I know, right?! Squall - though emo looking - is kinda awesome!

Me: Oh thank Lord that someone realizes he’s a God damn S.O.B who actually turns… DECENT, as opposed to Tidus, who does nothing but whine and make out with Yuna!

Customer: Hah, you got that straight! Though I do like Yuna!

Me: …I apologize for my rudeness but… Are you single?

Customer: Yeah, I broke up with my ex 3 days ago.

Me: …Well, you got a new boyfriend here, if you want one.

(She grabbed my shirt and kissed me right infront of my coworker, who keeps looking dumbfounded. She and I started dating once my shift ended.

Six years later, we’re married and got a pair of twins; both of them loves playing games or watching us play games!)

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